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Steven
26 March 2006 @ 06:14 pm
Feelings..  
Feeling upset and anxious all day. i think it is because i drank way too much tea. its made me very nervous.

i need to get out of this house and into our new one. but its going to be a long time from now.. so it seems.

i need a friend.
 
 
Current Mood: sad
Current Music: Damien Youth - The brain
 
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Steven
26 March 2006 @ 09:45 am
big update!  
everything in the past was lame. girls are not that important. any entry i have written contradicting that should just be deleted. but i dont want to go back and do that. i was honestly just an overly dependent and emotional wreck.

today music and family is my priority. i love them both. they are two things that can never fail me.

drugs: im trying to stay clean. its hard. pot is easy. but the lsd is much harder for me to look the other way on.

friends: most are online. i dont get out much. i need to work on that i guess.

i got 2 dogs. (mag-pie and lucy) --- both great pets.

i shaved my head like an idiot. got rid of all my hair :( i miss it. i will be growing it back.

im gaining weight. it sucks. medicines work against me there and its hard to counter that without just ridding of the medication completely.

we are moving to spring. (city next to the one we are in now)

that is really all i can think to say right now..
 
 
Current Mood: blah
Current Music: the beatles - she loves you
 
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Steven
16 May 2004 @ 10:34 pm
jessica <3  
jessica you are my last hope and my last star. i think you and i can make eachother very happy. im so glad you are who you are. im so glad we were able to meet. i think you are the sweetest thing. i hope that will always mean something to you. because i really do <3 you.

love

steven
 
 
Current Mood: ecstatic
Current Music: smashing pumpkins 1979
 
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Steven
15 May 2004 @ 05:57 pm
slippin awayyy  
i dono...i just seem to hurt peoples feelings.
im sorry i do this. im sorry it happens over and over
im sorry i cant control my thoughts
im sorry im such a fuck up...
none of this means anything however...
im not perfect.. i never was
and theres nothing i can say to meand your heart
and i apologize for that...

... "<3" ...

-steven
 
 
Current Mood: disappointed
Current Music: smashing pumpkins
 
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Steven
03 May 2004 @ 08:50 pm
to old friends  
i now know things change and "friends" are useless at times and forget about me. but im okay with that. im not the person i was before and im glad. i can do things now that i couldnt do before
 
 
Current Mood: numb
 
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Steven
07 April 2004 @ 06:49 pm
i dono  
my band broke up
...
ive been happy. afraid to leave the house
but ive been happy at least :\
im playing in a talent show at my school
tomorrow. im kinda nervous.
im starting a new band with cam.

im not taking medicine anymore

end
 
 
Current Mood: okay
Current Music: reggie and the full effect
 
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Steven
27 March 2004 @ 01:05 pm
fuck you  
i have nothing going for me. i want the same shit that keeps happening to end now. i hate you for not caring. you know who you are
 
 
Current Mood: apathetic
Current Music: norma jean
 
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Steven
18 March 2004 @ 09:53 pm
Fuck...  
fuck government
fuck god
fuck religion
fuck family
fuck school
fuck authority
fuck pain
fuck feeling
fuck people
fuck girls
fuck sex
fuck love
fuck you!
 
 
Current Mood: disappointed
Current Music: finch - perfection through silence
 
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Steven
16 March 2004 @ 09:11 pm
My Heart  

my heart..

its hurt
its raped
its trashed
its wasted
its black
its crap
its torn to pieces
thats it
its shit
its yours
you  can  keep  it, doll

 
 
Current Mood: drained
Current Music: korn - no place to hide
 
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Steven
15 March 2004 @ 08:43 pm
(no subject)  
please make this shit go away
 
 
Current Mood: crushed
 
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Steven
13 March 2004 @ 08:24 pm
i dont know  
i almost took pills again
 
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Steven
13 March 2004 @ 08:21 pm
i made a web site  
http://www.freewebs.com/limbicgravity/
 
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Steven
12 March 2004 @ 09:42 pm
dirty little secret  
i had a dream about her again. then i woke up

someone told me she died
but i remember seeing her so clearly...
she was just as i remembered her
beautiful, sweet, forgiving, loving
but thats over now...she may be dead

i need to kill myself
i always promised id be with her
id be there for her
and i couldnt even do that
im such a waste of a person
such a waste of blood and flesh
i dont know why i waste time typing this
you wont help me
i cry out again and again
i am worthless

from a hospital bed i will see you
making me feel terrible for everything ive felt,
the things ive thought and done to myself,
you will lock me in a cage and walk away like im a dirty little secret that pains you so terribly

she haunts my sleep...
she rapes my mind...
she takes my energy when i think of her...
yet id give anything to just touch her again.
to talk to her or see her... i need her
the piece of the puzzle in my life...where i fucked up and tried to take what wasnt rightfully mine...

i need herr
i need her so bad right now my god im crying so hard..
i cant do this
i need some help...but i have no one anymore
 
 
Current Mood: suicidal
Current Music: finch - perfection through silence
 
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Steven
07 March 2004 @ 11:09 pm
met a girl  
today started kind of crappy. i didnt want to go to band practice. but it ended up being pretty cool. i had lots of fun...i dont know what else to say... theres alot of times where people dont want to do something or try something but when they take the chance it can end up being the best thing ever. this was one of those days i guess.

im messing with these black lights i found of my dads in the garage. they are really trippy. woohoo. alright. i dont know what else to say. so...laters
 
 
Current Mood: hyper
Current Music: KoRn - dirty
 
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Steven
07 March 2004 @ 12:02 am
just close your eyes X[  
fell asleep last night on my with my head on my desk. dont remember doing that either. haha. i dont remember what happened much after that either. i just remember waking up really late the next day. which is when i did pretty much nothing all day except clean my room and put more posters up.
i also burned alot of the beatles cd's of my dads to my computer. and thats pretty much all ive been listening to lately. o_O
i havent really left the house still in awhile. i need to get out at least sometimes. i just dont want to face the world anymore. ha. im beginning to wonder if there is something wrong with me that i cant go out anymore. like...more than depression and anxiety. i dont know.
there were some ducks in our yard today. they are supposed to be at the effin pond...the hells up with that? our house is pretty far from the pond for a duck. dumbass animals. anyways i got some pictures of them. one of the pictures has the duck mounting another duck :O now that is hot.
i miss dustin. i kinda thought of him as a brother.
let me conclude this by saying the beatles are the sex. sorry manda...i stole your saying ;D
 
 
Current Mood: lonely
Current Music: the beatles - she loves you
 
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Steven
05 March 2004 @ 11:22 pm
with eyes of a child  
i am working on journaling alot right now. not only online but in an actual spiral. im going back since ninth grade when alot of things started happening in my life i did and didnt enjoy. lol on the cover of it i made a collage of kurt cobain pictures and pictures of me and my ex girlfriend. it is interesting looking. on it i wrote limbic distortion. a saying i use for hard times. mainly caused by a disorder of the brain or of thought. ive got a lot of catching up to do to get to where i am right now in life. ha...but ive got a whole week! i forgot...spring break. fun stuff. i dont have anything to do...and no one to spend the time with. ive lost most my friends :[ i wish nicole was here. or someone. ah who gives a fuck. im in a rut right now.

school
with eyes of a child i am finding comfort in the pain of others. i see it to be so funny that this bitch will find none of the answers she wants in the place she is looking in. she did me wrong and now its coming back around to her. cute.

everyone is changing. ever since the bitch i talked about above came along my friendship with dustin was ruined. my happiness faded. also my friendship with that girl heather was lost. but that wasnt that important to me. she was pretty stupid. shed do anything for acceptance. thats not the kind of friends i really go out and look for. but hey... whatever. i cant wait until i move out of this shit state and start a new life.
 
 
Current Mood: discontent
Current Music: bright eyes
 
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Steven
04 March 2004 @ 06:57 pm
maybe i never loved her enough...  

the past couple of days have been pretty hectic...i dont know if i spelled that right. dont judge me. im sorry.
i barely remember what i did yesterday much less the day before. but ill try and tell you a little bit of whats up in steven's fucked mind? okay.
friendships are falling apart again. i dont know if its my fault or not. but i refuse to believe its mine again. i did nothing. i just want to be at peace with everyone. but i dont want to be continuously used or hurt.
still no word if cam will be leaving for australia. im hoping he won't. hes been such a good friend to me and i don't want to lose that. but if he does leave. ill be prepared for that.
like i said before...i met a girl ^_^ shes so sweet. and soooo rad. i <3 her. sarah is her name. she likes deathcab for cutie like me :] hahaha what a cool cat.
i'm kind of worried about my sister katie. shes taking medicines now for her disorder and shes acting kind of funny. i wish she could be like she was when we were so young. back when we were both happy and we didnt have to worry about anything. lol a good deal of my life ive despised my sister... it hurts me so much when i look back and think how i treated her and how much i've made her feel like worthless shit. it was always hard for me to understand why she cared for me... i was so angry at her at the time...i had such little care for her. i barely know her now. shes a stranger to me it feels like. i wish i could change that..but i dont really know how. its hard for me to talk to her. 
i remember she told me she took a lot of acid and i think that fucked her up in the head...i think shes been to the hospital like three two or three times for overdosing on pills... sometimes i blame it on myself...she really cared about me and i threw that back in her face. maybe i never loved her enough. ive made her cry more times than i can count... i wish i could just have a good relationship with her. i hope she knows i really do love her. so much...

 
 
Current Mood: ashamed
Current Music: the beatles - penny lane
 
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Steven
03 March 2004 @ 10:31 pm
blah  
im too busy to write anything tonight im sorry for breathing
 
 
Current Mood: anxious
Current Music: none
 
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Steven
02 March 2004 @ 10:06 pm
wow  
today started out shitty. but god...it ended up being great...im falling for this girl i met named sarah. she is just amazing. shes sweet...shes beautiful...shes everything i ever wanted in a girl. only shes in new york... kinda sucks...shes pretty effin cool. <3 we're getting married ... but i dont think we are serious lol;D

^.^
 
 
Current Mood: hyper
Current Music: deathcab for cutie
 
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Steven
01 March 2004 @ 10:28 pm
fuck i dont know  
today started out with me showing my teacher some lyrics to a song to see if she could help me with structure on it and she started crying...she obviously dealt with something that was in my lyrics before becaus she fucking started crying. lol...poor teacher... :\ ... then the rest of the day i tried showing my demo off to people...but nobody seemed to have ANYTHING good to say. it was so discouraging. one friend of mine refused to even listen to it...shes such a stupid whore. the only person who really seemed to enjoy it...whom all along i thought would dislike it the most..was aaren. she really likes this song...she liked it the first time she heard it to at my show. shes a cool cat. as long as i can make one person smile...thats enough to make me happy.

later when i got home we were going to have practice but marc dicked us over and we had nothing to do...so kyle and i hungout and i mixed down unseen again and he played around with the drum machine i have. it was pretty fun. i dont get to hangout with kyle a whole lot. hes the smartest one in the band...i have so much respect for that mother fucker. all in all today was a damn good day.
 
 
Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music: Haze
 
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