Steven

Feelings..

2006-03-27T00:13:33Z

Feeling upset and anxious all day. i think it is because i drank way too much tea. its made me very nervous.

i need to get out of this house and into our new one. but its going to be a long time from now.. so it seems.

i need a friend.

big update!

2006-03-26T15:48:45Z

everything in the past was lame. girls are not that important. any entry i have written contradicting that should just be deleted. but i dont want to go back and do that. i was honestly just an overly dependent and emotional wreck.

today music and family is my priority. i love them both. they are two things that can never fail me.

drugs: im trying to stay clean. its hard. pot is easy. but the lsd is much harder for me to look the other way on.

friends: most are online. i dont get out much. i need to work on that i guess.

i got 2 dogs. (mag-pie and lucy) --- both great pets.

i shaved my head like an idiot. got rid of all my hair :( i miss it. i will be growing it back.

im gaining weight. it sucks. medicines work against me there and its hard to counter that without just ridding of the medication completely.

we are moving to spring. (city next to the one we are in now)

that is really all i can think to say right now..

jessica <3

2004-05-17T03:39:13Z

jessica you are my last hope and my last star. i think you and i can make eachother very happy. im so glad you are who you are. im so glad we were able to meet. i think you are the sweetest thing. i hope that will always mean something to you. because i really do <3 you.

love

steven

slippin awayyy

2004-05-15T23:02:48Z

i dono...i just seem to hurt peoples feelings.
im sorry i do this. im sorry it happens over and over
im sorry i cant control my thoughts
im sorry im such a fuck up...
none of this means anything however...
im not perfect.. i never was
and theres nothing i can say to meand your heart
and i apologize for that...

... "<3" ...

-steven

to old friends

2004-05-04T01:52:06Z

i now know things change and "friends" are useless at times and forget about me. but im okay with that. im not the person i was before and im glad. i can do things now that i couldnt do before

i dono

2004-04-07T23:55:49Z

my band broke up
...
ive been happy. afraid to leave the house
but ive been happy at least :\
im playing in a talent show at my school
tomorrow. im kinda nervous.
im starting a new band with cam.

im not taking medicine anymore

end

fuck you

2004-03-27T19:06:22Z

i have nothing going for me. i want the same shit that keeps happening to end now. i hate you for not caring. you know who you are

Fuck...

2004-03-19T04:03:41Z

fuck government
fuck god
fuck religion
fuck family
fuck school
fuck authority
fuck pain
fuck feeling
fuck people
fuck girls
fuck sex
fuck love
fuck you!

My Heart

2004-03-17T03:11:53Z

my heart..

its hurt
its raped
its trashed
its wasted
its black
its crap
its torn to pieces
thats it
its shit
its yours
you can keep it, doll

limbic_gravity @ 2004-03-15T20:43:00

2004-03-16T02:43:56Z

please make this shit go away

i dont know

2004-03-14T02:30:23Z

i almost took pills again

i made a web site

2004-03-14T02:24:24Z

http://www.freewebs.com/limbicgravity/

dirty little secret

2004-03-13T04:00:02Z

i had a dream about her again. then i woke up

someone told me she died
but i remember seeing her so clearly...
she was just as i remembered her
beautiful, sweet, forgiving, loving
but thats over now...she may be dead

i need to kill myself
i always promised id be with her
id be there for her
and i couldnt even do that
im such a waste of a person
such a waste of blood and flesh
i dont know why i waste time typing this
you wont help me
i cry out again and again
i am worthless

from a hospital bed i will see you
making me feel terrible for everything ive felt,
the things ive thought and done to myself,
you will lock me in a cage and walk away like im a dirty little secret that pains you so terribly

she haunts my sleep...
she rapes my mind...
she takes my energy when i think of her...
yet id give anything to just touch her again.
to talk to her or see her... i need her
the piece of the puzzle in my life...where i fucked up and tried to take what wasnt rightfully mine...

i need herr
i need her so bad right now my god im crying so hard..
i cant do this
i need some help...but i have no one anymore

met a girl

2004-03-08T05:57:54Z

today started kind of crappy. i didnt want to go to band practice. but it ended up being pretty cool. i had lots of fun...i dont know what else to say... theres alot of times where people dont want to do something or try something but when they take the chance it can end up being the best thing ever. this was one of those days i guess.

im messing with these black lights i found of my dads in the garage. they are really trippy. woohoo. alright. i dont know what else to say. so...laters

just close your eyes X[

2004-03-07T06:17:08Z

fell asleep last night on my with my head on my desk. dont remember doing that either. haha. i dont remember what happened much after that either. i just remember waking up really late the next day. which is when i did pretty much nothing all day except clean my room and put more posters up.
i also burned alot of the beatles cd's of my dads to my computer. and thats pretty much all ive been listening to lately. o_O
i havent really left the house still in awhile. i need to get out at least sometimes. i just dont want to face the world anymore. ha. im beginning to wonder if there is something wrong with me that i cant go out anymore. like...more than depression and anxiety. i dont know.
there were some ducks in our yard today. they are supposed to be at the effin pond...the hells up with that? our house is pretty far from the pond for a duck. dumbass animals. anyways i got some pictures of them. one of the pictures has the duck mounting another duck :O now that is hot.
i miss dustin. i kinda thought of him as a brother.
let me conclude this by saying the beatles are the sex. sorry manda...i stole your saying ;D

with eyes of a child

2004-03-06T06:03:09Z

i am working on journaling alot right now. not only online but in an actual spiral. im going back since ninth grade when alot of things started happening in my life i did and didnt enjoy. lol on the cover of it i made a collage of kurt cobain pictures and pictures of me and my ex girlfriend. it is interesting looking. on it i wrote limbic distortion. a saying i use for hard times. mainly caused by a disorder of the brain or of thought. ive got a lot of catching up to do to get to where i am right now in life. ha...but ive got a whole week! i forgot...spring break. fun stuff. i dont have anything to do...and no one to spend the time with. ive lost most my friends :[ i wish nicole was here. or someone. ah who gives a fuck. im in a rut right now.

school
with eyes of a child i am finding comfort in the pain of others. i see it to be so funny that this bitch will find none of the answers she wants in the place she is looking in. she did me wrong and now its coming back around to her. cute.

everyone is changing. ever since the bitch i talked about above came along my friendship with dustin was ruined. my happiness faded. also my friendship with that girl heather was lost. but that wasnt that important to me. she was pretty stupid. shed do anything for acceptance. thats not the kind of friends i really go out and look for. but hey... whatever. i cant wait until i move out of this shit state and start a new life.

maybe i never loved her enough...

2004-03-05T01:26:49Z

the past couple of days have been pretty hectic...i dont know if i spelled that right. dont judge me. im sorry.
i barely remember what i did yesterday much less the day before. but ill try and tell you a little bit of whats up in steven's fucked mind? okay.
friendships are falling apart again. i dont know if its my fault or not. but i refuse to believe its mine again. i did nothing. i just want to be at peace with everyone. but i dont want to be continuously used or hurt.
still no word if cam will be leaving for australia. im hoping he won't. hes been such a good friend to me and i don't want to lose that. but if he does leave. ill be prepared for that.
like i said before...i met a girl ^_^ shes so sweet. and soooo rad. i <3 her. sarah is her name. she likes deathcab for cutie like me :] hahaha what a cool cat.
i'm kind of worried about my sister katie. shes taking medicines now for her disorder and shes acting kind of funny. i wish she could be like she was when we were so young. back when we were both happy and we didnt have to worry about anything. lol a good deal of my life ive despised my sister... it hurts me so much when i look back and think how i treated her and how much i've made her feel like worthless shit. it was always hard for me to understand why she cared for me... i was so angry at her at the time...i had such little care for her. i barely know her now. shes a stranger to me it feels like. i wish i could change that..but i dont really know how. its hard for me to talk to her.
i remember she told me she took a lot of acid and i think that fucked her up in the head...i think shes been to the hospital like three two or three times for overdosing on pills... sometimes i blame it on myself...she really cared about me and i threw that back in her face. maybe i never loved her enough. ive made her cry more times than i can count... i wish i could just have a good relationship with her. i hope she knows i really do love her. so much...

blah

2004-03-04T04:32:06Z

im too busy to write anything tonight im sorry for breathing

wow

2004-03-03T04:13:26Z

today started out shitty. but god...it ended up being great...im falling for this girl i met named sarah. she is just amazing. shes sweet...shes beautiful...shes everything i ever wanted in a girl. only shes in new york... kinda sucks...shes pretty effin cool. <3 we're getting married ... but i dont think we are serious lol;D

^.^

fuck i dont know

2004-03-02T04:40:30Z

today started out with me showing my teacher some lyrics to a song to see if she could help me with structure on it and she started crying...she obviously dealt with something that was in my lyrics before becaus she fucking started crying. lol...poor teacher... :\ ... then the rest of the day i tried showing my demo off to people...but nobody seemed to have ANYTHING good to say. it was so discouraging. one friend of mine refused to even listen to it...shes such a stupid whore. the only person who really seemed to enjoy it...whom all along i thought would dislike it the most..was aaren. she really likes this song...she liked it the first time she heard it to at my show. shes a cool cat. as long as i can make one person smile...thats enough to make me happy.

later when i got home we were going to have practice but marc dicked us over and we had nothing to do...so kyle and i hungout and i mixed down unseen again and he played around with the drum machine i have. it was pretty fun. i dont get to hangout with kyle a whole lot. hes the smartest one in the band...i have so much respect for that mother fucker. all in all today was a damn good day.

society blows

2004-03-01T02:48:36Z

ahhh its uncle ben hes in my room
he sticks his rice bowl down my throat
i stick my dick up his black ass
he falls to the floor as i wink and close the door
how can this be im mounting this bitch ass whore
when hes not really here, thats my only fear
i poke his black eye and he rapes my ravaged mind
cant get outa here
uncle ben is gonna getcha
cant get outa here
uncle ben is gonna getcha
let me show you uncle bens real desire
of everyone you know its him youd admire
he likes to masturbate in the church
yea he likes to masturbate to simon birch

uncle bens a fuckhead

my desire with the devil beside me

2004-02-29T04:14:37Z

today was pretty cool. i sat down and recorded my song i wrote called 'unseen' only its a completely different version of it and it sounds so much better. if anyone wants to hear it i can send it to you! or i can burn a cd of it for you...but i have one problem with that...i ran out of blanks...so if youd be kind enough to provide that for me...ill provide you with the song.
im talking to manda again. i really missed her.. i dont know why we had stopped talking. i dont think it did either of us much good. she is a really sweet girl. its too bad theres not more people like her in this world

the pieces of my broken heart
are scattered at your feet
all my pain and loneliness
you will never see
[im failing at this life ive been given
my love has been stricken with light
suicides in my eyes tonight
and i cant look back again]

im screaming.. but nobody hears me
im dying.. and nothing will cure me
im crying.. in a world that despised me
my desire..with the devil beside me
im falling in your light unseen

so i slip away
but it all stays the same
the more time i spent with you
the more i grew insan
[im failing at this life ive been given
my love has been stricken with light
suicides in my eyes tonight
and i cant look back again]

im screaming.. but nobody hears me
im dying.. and nothing will cure me
im crying.. in a world that despised me
my desire..with the devil beside me
im falling in your light unseen

the pieces of my broken heart
are scattered at your feet
all my pain and loneliness
you will never see

im screaming.. but nobody hears me
im dying.. and nothing will cure me
im crying.. in a world that despised me
my desire..with the devil beside me
im falling in your light unseen

Z_z

tea is great!

2004-02-28T04:39:01Z

i rode the bus today sitting next to corinne and we talked about cypress creek. [mental hospital that we were in] and it reminded me of that year. i felt butterflies in my stomach talking about it for some reason... like the feeling you get talking to someone you are real shy around...or even when you are homesick...that type of feeling. its weird. i wish i could relive so many things in my life!! and for some reason i want to relive going to the emergency room and almost dying for some reason... kinda strange... i dont know why i feel this way. haha! my childhood is another thing id really like to relive...yes...back when i had blonde hair.. did you know that i had blonde hair?? well i did...then it just kept getting darker and darker as i got older. as i type this im on my third cup of tea ^_^ i feel like such a dork but thats okay cuz i am one! :]
cam told me that he may be moving to australia... this really sucks. hes one of my few friends here in the land of wood. eh. who needs friends... there's so much beauty in solitude. im not the only one who feels this way. who is to define what is healthy and what is not...i dont think its you levi. so back off on that... every person is entitled to their own opinions.. dont shove yours down my throat
anyways... after my boring day at school... the bus ride came along...it was kind of interesting...we had a fatass substitute bus driver that everyone called a fat fuck and shit like that...and shamoo.[save the whales]! ha. i couldnt help but laugh at these stupid comments. the man was such a dickhead to everyone. he watched us like an animal watching its prey when he should have been watching the road and getting us home safely.. geez. hahaha. he got onto this black kid because he threw away some sunflower seeds...and we all said to him that he was just mad because he wasnt getting any of them.. and of course along came the insult 'you fat fuck' from vince in the back of the bus. okay...thats enough about that bus ride...onto the next bus ride home.
i saw lauren...i dont think ive ever mentioned her...but shes really pretty...and she reads! just like me...shes really quiet...kinda antisocial i guess...always has a 'leave me alone' look on her face...always sits in the back of the bus and listens to music.. shes so nice though when you actually take the time to get to know her. that seems to be the way it is with alot of people...you have to get to know them! ^_^ but anyways i drew her this badass picture of a girl with the prettiest eyes and a bow in her hair. im gonna draw another soon and take pictures for anyone who might want to see it! ^_^
when i got home i went to band practice..kyle had a haircut and he had shaved..i was like wtf...cuz he looked like a completely new person...but he got his job at freestyles again, so he had to cut his hair n stuff. we recorded made in taiwan and they showed me what unseen and the intro song would sound like. by the way our website is linked to this page on the top left of the screen ^_^ it says HaZe so check us out if you are bored. [cough cough] even if youre not. haha.
my sisters friend, david, came over and we hungout for a little bit trying to figure out this website called myspace...well..we were trying to figure out how to put a picture in the background of your user homepage...but im sure you care about that! hes a cool guy...i havent known him long...but he seems like someone id look up to alot.
alright...after that i just started drinking a bunch of tea...messing around with some pictures i took...and writing this...so thats about all i have to say...if you read this far...im amazed at you.. congradulations! hehe. wooo. laters
^_^
~steven~

do you notice..

2004-02-27T03:40:35Z

godamn i wish i had control of my manic phases. i act like a fool when in this state of mind. i usually end up acting like im gay...literally homosexual. i joke about it and pretend i am gay when i get like this. dont ask why. im not all there when im like this. everything seems funny. i laugh at anything and everything that would normally sicken a person. i dont seem to understand it and neither do others. but its gotten to the point where im really embarrassing myself. i wish i had control of these actions of mine when im hypo manic ...or manic... things just get out of control... its like im losing touch with reality. i just dont know. but whatever it is... i despise it. i get so delusional about things... my relationships deteriorate and soon i have few people i can call friends. but im too damn happy to give a shit right now in this state of mind. my friends could die right now and id feel fine. i could hurt myself and feel nothing of the matter. right now...i care about almost nothing.. but from past experiences, soon i know i will be so ashamed of myself...i will be so sickened that i am still breathing...still called a human. there's thoughts in my head going on i will never share with anyone. a personal pain of mine that will go on the rest of my life im sure. i can only hope one day i will be set free somehow of this ...curse...this fucking disease

the day started out like any other. stephen and i rode together to school and we walked to the art room where we usually hangout and i see his drawings and pots he works on. soon i had to leave for the bus and i sat down in the back where i had view of the devils bitch. she moved with such elegance ..such serenity...yet with such a caustic embrace.. i couldnt bare to watch her anymore ..so i read book on kurt cobain. my hero. the one person i truly feel love for and feel i would have trusted. i wish i could have known him. i wish he was still alive today. it was hard to clear my mind of how stupid i felt for writing her a poem...i reached so deep within myself to express to her how i felt.. and she said nothing...all that i feared and more.. nothing hurts more than nothing at all ... im so embarrassed ...i dont want to show my face at school anymore... i dont want to leave the house... not only because of her.. but because of ****** ... when he looks at me...i want to die...i want to take a knife to my throat so gently... its funny how a look can say so much more than words ever could.

i just want things to be easy again. i want to feel happier.. not a flawed happiness. but one that will never fail me. this pain took grasp of my mind. all i do is lay in bed and wonder why..

i miss you so.. like beestings...shes just an image in my mind

2004-02-26T01:22:32Z

Today was alright i guess. not too much interesting happening lately. ive got kadie on my mind still. i really dont know why i couldnt have kept her as a friend. i had to push her so far away from myself.. and now i miss her... i need her as a friend for some reason. everything in my body tells me i need her somehow. i wonder what shes doing right now. i wonder if she still thinks of me at all. id go to her house and say hi...but im scared to do that... i dont know how she'd react...we didnt exactly leave off on a good note. i probably should just let her go... its just she means so much to me...wether she hurt me or not...what i can remember of her always cheers me up. i hope shes a happy person.. thats all i have left to say about her.. </p>

school. school was kinda like any other day. its just getting to me. im ready to graduate and stop dealing with the bullshit of high school and this popularity stuff. theres so much tension between me and some of my old friends... we dont get along anymore. such as me and well...im not going to say his name. the kids an asshole. id like to murder him sometimes. i get so angry at school and i dont know what im capable of doing. haha im not really harmful...im more likely to hurt myself than anyone else. i just dont like fighting. ive been in two in my life and lost both. ha...come to think of it they were both with these black kids fuckin with me cuz they thought i was gay. once back in seventh grade...and another time last year by the mall. all my life ive been stepped on it seems like. do you ever feel that way? anyways i wanna be the one doing the stepping from now on. i want ..this kid.. to feel pain. i want that stupid cunt he hangs out with to fucking lie in her own filth and die. i hate them. so much. all i ever did was try to be their fucking friend...but not anymore. things change... ive changed so much over the year. im no longer what i once was in eleventh/tenth grade. i think ive developed a borderline personality. ive only revealed tiny bits of whats been going on in my relationships with people on here... but...read about this disorder... maybe you will see how much it describes me... maybe you will understand me more ^_^

so i miss kadie...i hate people at school... im tired and ready to graduate...it seems like its taking forever. grrr...my face hurts....